it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
