My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
