worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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