booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
