just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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