just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he shaved USA in his pubs
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
handjob tips. give me some.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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