i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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