So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
