This is not my ceiling
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This beer is not sobering me up at all
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
