i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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