I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
