Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
