Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
