the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
