that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
