you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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