I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize