he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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