About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
