Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
