I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
foreskin is a definite game changer
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
