Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
