i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
