god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
