btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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