you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
