Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
