when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
