You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
