He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
