Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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