Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
