I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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