I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
