the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
