He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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