I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You're a disaster
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