someone threw a dead crab at me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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