I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
