you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
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