I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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