I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
