Just cropdusted the office
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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