whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
