So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
