so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm like, not good at living.
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