I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
