So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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