Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
