Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
