That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
