I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
